Bart from West Virginia
The host with the most (*least)
About 8 or 9 years ago, I was featuring for my good friend Mark Riccadonna on the road a bunch. (Featuring is the middle comic. There’s the host, the feature, then the headliner). We’d do a bunch of fun one-nighters all up and down the east coast and other areas. We’d always have such a fun time and have countless stories over the years (including this incredibly stupid but amazing video we made parodying Dance Dance Revolution. We were getting pizza one night and Mark was very drunk and they had a DDR machine and Mark just blurted out “Danza Danza Revolution!” and there you go.)
So one time, we had 4 shows in 4 states from Thursday to Sunday. I think this was the Saturday night gig in…Morgantown, West Virginia. I’ve never been. Most of the shows I did with Mark were in places I’ve never been and that was part of the fun. The shows were usually the only thing to do in town that night so they were always decently packed and a fun time.
But this night would be different.
We get to the hotel around 2 in the afternoon and Mark goes, “I’m gonna take a nap, get some lunch…let’s meet up later today.” Great. I do my own thing for a bit and I bump into Mark later around 6:30pm-ish and he goes, “Hey, I just met the MC for the night. His name is Bart.” Great. He says, “Let me just change and freshen up and I’ll meet you down there in a few minutes.
I head to the lobby with Mark. As we get out of the elevator, we hear a bit of a commotion as we get closer and closer to the showroom. There’s like 9 or 10 people all yelling at this little guy and some old lady, who won’t let them into the showroom. Great vibe to start a comedy show with! Mark goes, “Hey, that little guy…that’s Bart.” So as we approach the room, we hear them yelling, “It’s $5!” and the old lady is yelling back at them, “NO! It’s $7!”
“$5!”
“$7”
“Wabbit season! Duck season!” (I made this up but that’s what it felt like.
So she goes, “Why do you all think it’s $7?” getting very angry.
They all point to a sign DIRECTLY above the door that says, “COMEDY SHOW - $5!” (We’re a very valuable and respected form of entertainment.)
The lady, flustered, looks at me who she’s never seen before but sees my 6’6” confused body and goes, “YOU! TAKE THIS DOWN!” as she points to the sign.
So I kinda look at Mark and shrug and reluctantly walk over to the sign like the guy in Ghostbusters who was ordered by Mr. Peck to turn off the nuclear reactor thing. As I’m pulling this vinyl sign off the wall, thumbtacks and staples are flinging off and hitting me in the head
The people, who were in flip flops, overalls, and already double fisting their $2 beers, all murmur and stumble into the showroom. Now remember, this was IN the hotel. So they basically turned the restaurant/lounge area into a comedy show at night once a week or month, I dunno. Common for road gigs in the middle of nowhere. So it’s not like they HAD to dress up for the show but…some people didn’t even have shoes on. Sleeves were definitely optional down there
Me and Mark sit next to Bart who is VERY on edge and nervous. We introduce ourselves and he says he’s the MC for the night. We ask who that lady yelling at everyone is. “That’s my mom. She’s the manager here.” Great. So we’re trying to just make small talk with him, this is still about 20 minutes before the show starts. We ask him how long has he been doing stand-up for. “About 3 months.” Great. We say we’re impressed that he’s already the MC of this regular show, great job. We ask how he got the gig. “Well, you know Larry?” What? No of course we don’t know this Larry, “Well he was the the host but he had a heart attack before the show so they asked if anyone wanted to host so I raised my hand.” Showbiz! Me and Mark just look at each other and prepare ourselves for what will probably not be the best show we’ve ever done.
So, the room is pretty full at this point and we’re all sitting in the back by now. Bart is about to go up and start the show. At least, that’s usually what the MC does. What Bart did was something I’ve never seen before and probably will never see again. So Bart walks up to the front towards the mic in silence.
“How’s everybody doing?!”
[1 clap - and I don’t mean 1 person clapping. I literally mean ONE, solitary clap]
“Ah you guys can do better than that. How’s everybody doing?”
[2 claps - progress]
I don’t know how well this will translate to print but I will do my best to capture all 40 seconds of Bart’s time on stage before bringing me up (for those unaware, the MC usually does anywhere between 10-15 minutes before bringing up the next comedian. Bart did about 40 seconds, I didn’t know that’s all the time he had in his arsenal)
Also, this was in July, and Bart came dressed in a very tight, way too small black sweatshirt with a wolf on it that he had since he was 12 (he was either 24 or 56 years old. Hard to tell TBH), a short gray buzzcut hairdo, and big camouflage army pants. Mark said it looked like he just came from hunting deer, was stuck in a tree, looked at his watch and said, “Oh shit, I got a gig tonight.”
So, after the 2 claps, Bart starts his ‘act’. What can only be described as WHATTHEFUCKDIDHEJUSTSAY for the next minute, was a joy to watch in person. He opens with, “Uhh any birthdays here today?” and a group of girls yelled, “WOOOO!” and, I guess not expecting an answer or even wanting one, Bart got scared, said, “Uhhhh” and walked to the other side of the room, ignoring the girls without any follow up. Then he said, “Uhh, for my next joke (like he’s a magician) I invited my best friend tonight, so glad he could make it, but he bit me once and now he doesn’t have any teeth!” and spontaneously just pointed to a random person in the front row in the hopes that the chair would be empty I think? You know the old “Hey just want to thank my parents for coming tonight” bit and you point to an empty chair. But he pointed to an actual person, double fisting his PBR’s, who was already very confused.
Speaking of confused, me and Mark are in awe of what just took place over the last 30-40 seconds. We’re like, “How will Bart ever recover from this?” He didn’t. Because the next thing he said was, “OK your first comic coming to the stage…” and I look at Mark and say, “Oh shit, is that me?” We’re in the back of the room and I jump up and start running to the front because Bart has already said, “Brian McGuinness!” I barely make it to the mic stand before they stop their 5 claps. I say, “OK let’s hear it for Bart.” "BOOOOO!” replied a few people. I get it. They aren’t Bart fans.
So I proceed to do the hardest 30-minutes of comedy in my life but I feel like I finally got them on my side BARELY and most were having a good time by the time I was done. Also, the coach of the local college basketball team was there for some reason. I think he was just hired and they were sorta new in town. I pointed out during my set, shockingly to laughs, that “you 2 don’t fit in here very well. I’d run if I were you” because the dude had a suit on and was very clean cut and professional and his wife looked A LOT like Cameron Diaz in her prime. So I just assumed the crowd would eat them after the show was over. Hot couple!
So I finish my set eventually and apparently as I was up there, Mark is trying to comfort Bart. He tells him, “Hey man, do a few jokes before you bring me up if you want. It’s cool.” Bart says, “OK cool. I’ll do my impressions.” “OK! said Mark. “Also since we’re in West Virginia, can you bring me up by saying I’m going back on my 8th USO Tour to the Middle East in August. I think these fine folks will appreciate that.” “You got it.” said Bart.
I finish up by saying, “OK thanks let’s hear it one more time for Bart.” “BOOOOOOO!!!” So I sit back down and Mark goes, “He’s gonna do an impression.” I can’t wait. Bart then says, “Here’s my impression of Dave Chappelle, doing Samuel L. Jackson…doing Hitler.” The triple lindy of impressions! Very few have dared attempted 3 people in 1. This must be good. And all Bart says is…”YOU’RE ALL GONNA ROT IN HELL!…Your next comic coming to the stage…”
WHAT!?!? WAS!?!!? THAT?!?! Me and Mark crack up, have no idea what’s going on, but that doesn’t matter because Bart is already running off stage basically and trying to bring Mark up. Remember a minute ago when Mark told Bart what to say when he brings him up? Yeah, most of that didn’t register in Bart’s brain because Bart brings up Mark, who at the time had a very big bushy beard, to “this next comic…is from the Middle East…uhh, and we’re sending him back in August. Uh, Mark Rrrrrsomething.”
So Mark, walks up there, slowly, to 3 claps, in front of a bunch of West Virginians who all think he’s from the Middle East and to be fair, he could have passed as one with his big beautiful beard. All I think is “oh no” as Mark grabs the mic and tries to get them on his side. Mark did about 50 minutes. Mark tells wonderful, entertaining, hilarious stories in his act. These people weren’t having it for the most part. They were already $30 into their $2 beers.
When the show was over, we hung out in the showroom for a bit. The people were nice (enough) and Mark had a bunch of drinks so he wouldn’t remember the night but also so he wouldn’t follow Bart to the parking lot and stuff him in the trunk of his car (which I assume is where Bart lives anyway). The hot college basketball couple hung out with us for a bit and the coach told us all about the team and that he’d hire us to come do a gig for the college (didn’t happen).
We drove to another gig the next day just laughing about everything and recalling that ridiculous night. We were upset we didn’t get Bart’s info so we could stay in touch (not really) but we laughed at the idea of calling up the hotel, asking for Bart’s email address, and them being like, “Bart? There’s no Bart here. There’s never been a Bart here” because it really felt like we were in the Twilight Zone. Mark and I would go on to tell this story on stage for a while at upcoming gigs. I’d do my set, then Mark would bring me back up early into his and we’d tell the Bart story and the crowd always loved it.
Bart, if you’re out there, somewhere, hiding in a tree, just know that you made a huge impact on the lives of 2 comedians that night. Thank you.