Morrrtallll Kommmbatttt!!! A game that instantly takes you back to the glory days of the arcades where we all spent time ripping our friends necks off with Sub-Zero or repeatedly punching them in the nards with Johnny Cage (there was always that one kid who always got mad when Sonya got hurt too if Johnny nut punched her). With the release of the new Mortal Kombat (called Mortal Kombat 1 JUST BECAUSE!), everyone has been dying to see the new kast of characters we kan kontrol. We already know some, but I also got my hands on the unreleased list of hidden characters we can look forward to seeing (I found it in an AOL chatroom and the dude seemed legit). So without any further ado…
Grimace - The McDonald’s mascot makes his fighting game debut this year. Sure he may seem nice, but this purple psychopath is just waiting to unleash his fury after decades of holding it in. Two of his fatalities are the McNugget Fart Blast and his Purple Nurple Hug of Death. In the Fart Blast, Grimace orders five 20-piece McNugget meals, dumps them all into his big dumb mouth, bends over and vaporizes his opponent instantly with a gaseous blast so vile that not even Drunk Kano will enjoy it. In the Hug of Death, Grimace creates a false sense of security in the other fighter, lures them in for a hug, and squeezes them until their eyeballs pop out of their ears, assuring he will definitely be a fan favorite for a long time.
Bluey & Bingo - The two sisters from down under are coming later this year. Similar to Ferra & Torr in Mortal Kombat X, Bingo clings to the back of her big sister Bluey to deal some devastating damage and combos with a barrage of toys and incoherent questions. Their “Why?” fatality simply has the two lovable girls asking their opponent “Why?” over and over again until they rip their own heads off.
Glooten - This creepy fighter made of wheat and pita bread is truly one of the most terrifying of the new batch of fighters. Most of the roster won’t even go near him, but if they do watch out. They’ll most likely have the diarrhea for weeks. For his “Annoyed Waiter” fatality, Glooten shoves so many croutons and bagels down the enemy’s throat that they will eventually run to the bathroom, but Glooten has already locked the door from the inside leaving them no choice. They shit their pants and get mocked by everyone.
Manute Bol - While previous editions of MK had TV and movie characters like Terminator or Rambo, MK1 wants to start using real people and who better to kick someone’s ass with than former NBA Legend Manute Bol. Standing tall at 7’7” and weighing in at 201 lbs soaking wet, Manute is here to fight. His wingspan and reach is really what sets him apart from other fighters here (like Dhalsim in Street Fighter). If you like keeping your enemies at a distance, make Manute your main (#MMYM). His “Mock You” fatality instantly transports you to a grocery store where EVERYTHING is on the top shelf and Manute refuses to help you get that box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Since you can’t reach anything, you eventually shrivel up and die. It’s definitely a long fatality, but well worth it for the humiliation alone.
Bob - You thought Bob only did discount furniture? Think again. Nobody is this happy and Bob proves it. Underneath his smiling creepy face, this lunatic is a stone cold killer. For his “Memorial Day Sale” fatality, after Bob beats you pretty bad and then brings out what looks like a really comfortable bed for you to lay down on. So naturally, you do. But after a few seconds you realize something is wrong. The bed collapses on itself, crushing every bone in your body and then sets itself on fire.
Lauren Boebert - It’s hard to be the WORST person in a game full of murderers and evil demonic killers, but Boebert really shines here in this role. As one of the worst human beings on Earth, the developers decided to bring her to Neatherealm and see what she could really do to hurt even more people. While most of the game is NSFW, Lauren’s fatality truly is NSFW. As soon as “FINISH HIM” comes on the screen, she rips off her opponent’s pants, grabs their penis (if they have one), and jacks them off to completion and eventually death and shame.
Vape - As one of the most annoying new characters in the game, most people will probably skip out on playing as Vape which is probably for the better.
Shakira - The latina pop sensation comes to MK1 for the first time. Her screaming vocals will paralyze opponents in their tracks as they aren’t sure if that’s a human singing or a wounded goat. Speaking of which, her “GOAT” fatality starts off with Shakira dancing and shaking her hips leaving her opponent quite confused. After a few minutes, Shakira summons every accolade she’s ever won and drops her 400+ music awards on the fighter, completely crushing them to death.
Kristopher Kolumbus - While the dumb sailor might not seem like much of a killer (it was his crew mates who did most of the killing), he’s been around enough to know how to get the job done. His “All aboard!” fatality shows him tie you to a post and then slam the Santa Maria’s mast right into your head. Then he has a Thanksgiving feast with your remains but then someone says “Um actually those were pilgrims not Christopher Columbus” and then you say “They’re both terrible!”
Flo from Progressive - Don’t let the friendly demeanor fool you. Flo has been training for years for this moment. For her main fatality, Flo shows up at your job, your house, the park, your parent’s retirement party, your anniversary dinner, your kid’s school, and anywhere else you might be to ask you to buy some insurance. Eventually you flip your car trying to get away from her and she just shrugs her shoulders and says, “Told ya.”
Guy Fieri - If you thought America’s favorite chef couldn’t throw down, well you’re wrong. During the match, Guy will throw so much salt and lard at you, that it will slow your fighter down throughout the match making it almost impossible to move. For his “Order Up!” fatality, he sits you down at a lovely Table For 1 while you’re still dazed. Then he rips off his flame shirt to reveal his whole body is actually flames. After that, he wheels out his deluxe Deep Fryer, kranks it up to 1000 degrees, and slams your face in it. To make matters worse, he takes your friend head, dips it in Ranch, and eats it.
There you have it. The very real list of Mortal Kombat 1 hidden characters. Be sure to practice hard with each of them because if you master them all, Alf comes out and eats you and your cat.